a year without my dad

in addition to other changes in my life, in the midst of it all my dad passed away. he had been unwell, and the last two weeks were particularly miserable for him. i have remained thankful that he passed away in the safety of the hospital and that my mom had the small relief of not having to try and get help for him. i  also have been thankful that he was relieved from his suffering, and no matter how much he didn't want to go, he was worn down and tired of the invasive treatment.

 leading up to his passing, my dad was very aware of the changes going on in my life. he took time to speak with my sons, at length, about his own life and childhood and what divorce meant to him. he also talked with them about what he thought i had faced. while i don't think that for a second he was happy about my divorce, i know he understood why, he was ultimately proud of me for standing up for myself, and i know, with absolute certainty, that he was okay with me, and glad to see me demanding respect that had been denied for way too long. he just didn't want to see me, the kids, or my spouse suffer, as he knew we certainly would.

my dad managed to, in all aspects of his life, to do something remarkable: to have an opinion, give it when asked, but never judged. we were raised with the freedom to make choices and to be responsible for them. he and my mom did their best to provide support and to help clean up the mess when necessary.

in the year without him, i miss him, of course. i am sorry he did not get to meet my partner, although he knew of him because i had talked with him about it. they'd have enjoyed each other, just as my mom has been able to appreciate the kindness and respect with which I am treated, the humor and joy in our home. my dad would have been troubled by my daughter taking me out of her life, but he also would have had good insight, as he had his own strained relationship with his mom that he was able to repair.

i miss his smile, his ability to call "bullshit" on people, his opinions about politics and social justice. however, all those things are a part of me now...thankfully i can hear his voice in my head...