a year without my dad

in addition to other changes in my life, in the midst of it all my dad passed away. he had been unwell, and the last two weeks were particularly miserable for him. i have remained thankful that he passed away in the safety of the hospital and that my mom had the small relief of not having to try and get help for him. i  also have been thankful that he was relieved from his suffering, and no matter how much he didn't want to go, he was worn down and tired of the invasive treatment.

 leading up to his passing, my dad was very aware of the changes going on in my life. he took time to speak with my sons, at length, about his own life and childhood and what divorce meant to him. he also talked with them about what he thought i had faced. while i don't think that for a second he was happy about my divorce, i know he understood why, he was ultimately proud of me for standing up for myself, and i know, with absolute certainty, that he was okay with me, and glad to see me demanding respect that had been denied for way too long. he just didn't want to see me, the kids, or my spouse suffer, as he knew we certainly would.

my dad managed to, in all aspects of his life, to do something remarkable: to have an opinion, give it when asked, but never judged. we were raised with the freedom to make choices and to be responsible for them. he and my mom did their best to provide support and to help clean up the mess when necessary.

in the year without him, i miss him, of course. i am sorry he did not get to meet my partner, although he knew of him because i had talked with him about it. they'd have enjoyed each other, just as my mom has been able to appreciate the kindness and respect with which I am treated, the humor and joy in our home. my dad would have been troubled by my daughter taking me out of her life, but he also would have had good insight, as he had his own strained relationship with his mom that he was able to repair.

i miss his smile, his ability to call "bullshit" on people, his opinions about politics and social justice. however, all those things are a part of me now...thankfully i can hear his voice in my head...

ideas worth reflecting on #1

this quote was given to me by my therapist, and we have discussed it off and on for the better part of a year...with each new day, i find it to be true. in it is a scary lesson about letting go and accepting love. i am thankful to have a partner who 'aids and abets'...

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
― Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker

mother's day

this is a hard post to write....I am blessed with four amazing kids- they are wonderful humans, each with their own talents and tribulations. i admire their strength, honesty, kindness and intelligence. i am thankful for their health. what makes it hard is that i currently have one child who is estranged from me. not having her in my life is incredibly painful, and yet, i remain tremendously grateful that she is safe, well cared for by her dad, and doing well in school. it is that i simply miss her, just so much. i miss the day to day of chatting with her and hearing about her high school life, her friends and her aspirations. i am tremendously saddened that she feels, strongly, that the only way she can have peace with the changes of her life is to exclude me from it entirely. there are times when I catch myself when someone asks how my kids are: there is one who is not doing well and it pains me.

each day, i do my best to be grateful for the three who are still "with" me and the one who, for now, needs her distance. i try to let her know that my love for her is unconditional, and whenever she is ready to come back, i am here. i remember that life is both short and long, and we have time to repair our relationship. i will never close that door to her, no matter how often she tries to slam it.

i remain thankful to the people in our lives who have attempted to remind her that i am still mom and i love her. i am, most certainly, angry with those who have stoked her anger and self-righteousness like a cruel fire that in the end has hurt her, more than me.

so, on this mother's day, i am so very thankful for all four of my kids and the lessons they have helped me learn: tolerance, acceptance and unconditional love.

love and understanding

the buddhists say that love is understanding, and in the absence of understanding there is no love, only the opposite of love.
this is a lesson i have learned many times over in the past year....
to have a person "see" you and say, "you are okay, just as you are" and mean it is understanding and unconditional love.
to have a person live with you and say, "I cannot understand who you are or what you want. you need to be what i want", is not love
to have a friend say, "i love you, but I don't understand" is not love- it is a barrier
to say to your daughter, when she says things that hurt you to your core, "i get why you feel that way. i understand." that is love.

to actually love someone begins with loving yourself. accepting who you are. somehow, that is a scary proposition for many. i can only be truly responsible for me. when my home is created within me, then i can love others- with understanding and acceptance.

this is a lesson i am happy to have learned...

where i have been, part one of several, i'm sure

The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Dream Work)

what's it all about, alfie?

here i am, returning to blog after a very long hiatus...new title, new tagline...time for my blog to reflect the major changes in my life. yes, i am still determined to raise great humans; actually even more determined than before. however, what got lost along the way was...me. so, this isn't a new chapter or a fresh start, this is a continuation of the process of growing, learning, and being authentic, all the while learning to love me, so i can love others.

i tend to be honest, and others may not like that, but i have learned to let go of that...kinda'. it is a work in progress. so if you drop in on me and don't like what i write, that's okay. it probably isn't for you, anyway.

no, i won't capitalize...it's overrated